oxfordtweed: (Facepalm - Hilary)
I saw this, and the ensuing thread on LiveJournal, and wanted to say something there, but since it was already frozen, and most of the idiocy seems to be here on Tumblr anyway, I'm going to say this here.

Allow me first to preface this tirade with a small amount of information about myself. I am in a long-term, very committed relationship with a very loving and understanding man. I identify as asexual of the homoromantic variety. What this means is that I find it easier to form romantic bonds with other men, even if I'm not sexually attracted to them. My partner and I do engage in sexual activity, because he's very much a sexual person, and to deny him of something he considers a physical need would just be cruel. I have no tolerance for someone who will involve themselves with a sexual person and expect that person to give up their sexuality because you don't want to occasionally put your hands down the front of their pants. If you can't handle that, then you are not very well-suited for that person and the relationship will not work. But it also goes both ways. If you don't want to have sex, you should be able to tell your partner so and not worry about potentially being forced into it. But that's another rant for another day.

My point is that this secret that I've found has idiocy on all sides, and I intend to break it down line by line.

If they wanted to say they're asexual while fapping to slash and lusting after Doctor Who, whatever.


I have to say, this is not asexuality. This is repression. Asexuality is not the lack of a libido or sexual drive. It's the lack of sexual attraction. Fapping to slash, sure. But lusting after David Tennant or Matt Smith or anyone is by definition attraction. I call this attention-seeking rubbish, frankly, and the reason people don't take asexuality as an orientation seriously. And with this sort of behaviour going around, I can't blame them.

Then I came across those tumblr asexuals who think there's such a thing as sexual privilege and want to be considered queer and believe that rape is more traumatising to asexuals than sexuals.


I'm sorry, but WHAT? What? Seriously. WHAT? Sexual privilege? What is this? No, honey. Straight privilege, yes. Definitely. But to say that a gay or trans or whatever person has privilege over you is fucking ignorant and self-centred. Where the hell do you get off to say that? Go look up the statistics of hate crimes committed against gays, and compare that to those of hate crimes committed against aces, and tell me what you find. Here's a hint: a staggering imbalance in numbers with you coming out with all the privilege in the world.

And this idea that rape is more traumatising because of your orientation? Shut the fuck up. Rape is rape and it is always traumatising. I fucking dare you to say to someone whose rape was so violent that it left them paralysed, or to someone whose rape got them pregnant.

The idea of demisexuality, which is an identity based entirely on slutshaming.


First off, if someone wants to apply a label to themselves, why should it matter to anyone else? Even if they apply it just to alleviate some of their own confusion, it's not hurting anyone. They're just calling themselves a thing. So what? Unless they've publicly stated that they're than sexuals, where's the harm? Which, yes. A sickening amount of people on this end of the spectrum do say shit like this. And yes, slut shaming does happen, which is just uncalled for in any instance. You can't claim that this group of people have privilege over you if you're going to claim to be better than them in the same breath. Everything about this sentence fragment is just stupid and ignorant.

Asexuals that 'come out' to their parents and are surprised at how easy it is.


Why do you need to come out to your parents anyway? Most parents would probably be thrilled to know that their kid isn't going to be out having sex and getting pregnant and contracting STIs and all that nastiness. Talk to someone who was beaten and disowned by their parents after finding the courage to come out as gay or as trans or anything else. Again, this is just attention-seeking rubbish. You're looking for asspats and confirmation that you're above those filthy, filthy sexuals. Fuck off.

Now, whenever I see people talking about being asexual, I privately assume that they're just homophobic self-absorbed slutshamers who are hoping they can claim they're being oppressed for online social justice cookies.


I have to admit, I get this feeling a lot whenever I see people talk about being asexual. I shouldn't, but look at all of the damage the asexual community is doing to itself through slut shaming and the trivialisation of rape and hate crimes. Is it any wonder people don't take a person seriously when they say they're asexual? Seriously, man.

Unless they're actually completely uninterested in sex and don't talk about how much more mature they are for not having sexual interest and don't suggest that gay sexuals have privilege over straight or aromantic sexuals. Which describes about 5% of asexuals in fandom or out.


Oh, internet statistics. Can you back up that five per-cent? Can you cite your sources? I'd like to see where you got that number? Yeah, there are a lot of bandwagoners, but that can be said for anything. The convert does tend to be more vocal than the long-time believer. What you're hearing on the internet is just the rumblings of the very loud, and hopefully very few people who have just discovered asexuality and social justice. I actually didn't start to hear this sort of nonsense until I joined Tumblr and started poking around AVEN. As with any group of people, I've no doubt that most people who label themselves asexual or demisexual or whatever are perfectly sane, level-headed people.

PS: I find it hilarious when they go on about how X character must be asexual. I'm looking at you Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes fandoms.


To be fair, this happens for homosexuality as well. How many people insist that X and Y must be banging one another, because look at the UST.


The asexual community is only hurting itself right now. I used to be fairly vocal about it, but quieted down when the mere mention of my identity garnered accusations of ignorance and slut shaming. This is probably why you don't hear the sane side of the community, actually. It's just easier to keep quiet and avoid being associated with these wankers, when it comes down to it.
oxfordtweed: (Hot Dickings - Nicholas)
Note to self:

When Ryan suggests setting up a sex schedule, he is probably joking.

When he confirms that he was not being serious, and points out that a sex schedule would take away the spontaneity, the correct response to this is not to ask, "What spontaneity?"

To do so will have the bathroom door shut in your face.


(Feel free to laugh at me. I totally am.)
oxfordtweed: (Sherlock - Bored)
This is a hot topic in the rant post over on the kinkmeme, and I always find myself involved in the conversations. This is the rant that sort of sparked me today:

Dear person writing 'John said bad things about asexuality so now he has a GUILT'

I fucking hate your sanctimonious after school special of a story.

The prompt could have been done realistically or in a way that would explore both points of view, and move toward understanding. Instead you just beat people over the head with 'IF YOU DON'T AUTOMATICALLY GET IT YOU'RE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD'

I hope your fic spontaneously combusts in a pool of toxic tripe.

Full thread.


Yeah. It's angry, but that's what that post is for. I've repeated it here just for context. And I haven't read the fic in question (anyone know where it is? I'm curious), so I can't really comment on any of the specifics. But it does bring up one matter. John's point of view.

To be honest, I don't write John's POV because I know that I will get it so very wrong on this matter. I really don't know what he's thinking. I've lived with a sexual person long enough to work out reactions and how he'd work externally, but internally is totally different.

Asexual fic is for asexuals.


This. I'm finding that it seems like most of the people who at least leave comments on mine (not sure about drive-by readers, or the folks who leave kudos) seem to empathise with Sherlock, because they've been there, in his position. So far, I think I've had two commenters who not only don't see John as the bad guy, but are able to relate to his side (for the record, I think it's great that so many people are enjoying this series! I don't care whose side you're on; as long as you're still with me, it lets me know that I'm doing something right).

Demonising John is not what I'm setting out to do at all, though. The only time he gets tetchy is when Sherlock tells him that he doesn't want to have sex with him and/or he's not attracted to John. Sherlock doesn't realise that it HURTS to hear these things coming from the person who is supposed to love you.



I think where this whole thing goes a bit wrong is that it is really hard to not make the sexual partner look like the bad guy. Sexual issues are very hot right now, and some of them are quite sensitive. I think, even from John's POV, some situations might actually make him seem even worse. From his POV, you might miss the fact that even if Sherlock isn't into it physically, he still wants to do these things for John. There's definitely a lot of accidental dub-con/non-con potential if Sherlock has sex with John because he thinks it's what John wants. Personally, I don't see it as being either, but I'm also biased.

Take out Sherlock's internal dialogue and move it to John's POV, where all you get are Sherlock's actions without the thoughts guiding him, and there's the very real potential to get what appears, for all intents and purposes, to be John forcing himself on Sherlock. And sure, that may be exactly what it feels like to John sometimes.



Really, even though it's a topic I really enjoy, I don't think you can win either way. The only way to really do it without making either one seem like the bad guy is to go full on third person omniscient, and get into both of their heads. But I think in doing that, it might lessen the impact. I dunno. It's a tricky topic. I really don't know if it can be written realistically (read: without anyone's magically healing cock, or a libido that simply vanishes because of twu wuv) without making one of them look like the bad guy at least some of the time.


But think about it this way: you've got John trying to get his mack on. Let's assume, for the time being, that the relationship is new enough that they don't have any established rules. Say he starts trying to touch on Sherlock, who is largely unresponsive, because damnit! there are things happening on the internet, and they are interesting. John keeps touching, eventually Sherlock gives in, puts his laptop down, and just lies back and lets John do whatever he wants. He may feign interest at one point, depending on any number of variables. Depending on how into it he was able to convince himself that he really was, he might let John fuck him. More likely, he'd give John a very disinterested hand job, since disinterested sex is rather painful, and he may not be able to get aroused enough to fuck John. As soon as John's finished, Sherlock cleans his hand and goes right back to the laptop.

This is not a worst case scenario. This is fairly normal (in my experience). From the outside, it looks kind of bad. From Sherlock's point of view, you'd get a bit more insight as to why he gives in. There may be more behind his actions than just, 'John is horny and I want him to stop bothering me.' Maybe it's been a while since they did anything at all, and Sherlock is just realising this (when you don't care, you may not notice that it's been ten days since the last time you took your shirt off for him). Just because he's not into it doesn't mean he doesn't still want to do it.

From John's point of view, you don't get any of that. You get Sherlock being distant and grudgingly giving in. Without that, this situation goes right back to uncomfortable and riddled with questions of consent. Anything about Sherlock wanting to do this has the potential to come off as rationalising or projection, which will just make things look even worse. Again, you can get into both of their heads, which may work just fine for a PWP, but for a plot piece, I'm not sure how well that would work.

Oh god

Mar. 22nd, 2011 11:39 am
oxfordtweed: (Cock-up - H2G2)
Ow. Never again.

Oh god

Mar. 22nd, 2011 11:39 am
oxfordtweed: (Cock-up - H2G2)
Ow. Never again.
oxfordtweed: (Hot Dickings - Nicholas)
Cutting right from the off for talk of Zed's sex life )


But basically, I'm boring in bed. I think. I'm not really sure how to react to that.
oxfordtweed: (Human Eyes - Donovan)
Cutting right from the off for talk of Zed's sex life )


But basically, I'm boring in bed. I think. I'm not really sure how to react to that.
oxfordtweed: Andy Cartwright and Andy Wainwright grinning widely (:D - Andes)
Basically, I know great sex exists. Even if you have the sex drive of a mushroom, it is possible to enjoy sex, to the point of totally not caring about having to shower afterwards, and just passing out, sated and exhausted (in a good way, as opposed to the usual sort of exhaustion that comes from putting in a lot of effort for no real gain).

I've got a fairly good idea where the series is going, but I'm still sort of hazy as to the actual resolution.

Part of me really wants to work with the misconception that asexuals can't enjoy sex. Another part of me wonders if Holmes would actually put in the effort to figure out the circumstances under which he'd be able to have a good time.

Another part yet is wanting to avoid the idea that he'd obsess and try to go through every possible situation to check the result, because that comes back to the whole thing about how having sex when your body isn't actually up for it is not comfortable. At best, it's tiring for all the wrong reasons; at worst, it's amazingly painful.


I'm tempted to go down to IHOP and contemplate this over some steak and eggs. Not until around 4:30, though. All of my everything is in the wash. I actually had to put on actual trousers when I went out today, because I had no clean pyjamas. I will have at around 4:30 though.
oxfordtweed: Luke and Darth Vader stand next to one another, with text above reading 'Awkward...' (Awkward - Vader and Luke)
I bruise like a grape.

Ryan and I will occasionally engage in a bit of breath play.

It was warm enough tonight that I didn't need a scarf when I went to the shop. I probably should have worn one anyway, in retrospect. If only because this is not the first time I've received strange looks from people behind counters.


At least this was not as bad as the time we had to go to the emergency room, him with a broken hand (punched the sofa) and me with a black eye (hit myself in the face with a bicycle).
oxfordtweed: (Sherlock - Fuck Rule 34)
Been sleeping on the sofa again. Ryan not happy with this arrangement, but it's either that, or me not sleeping at all, which he tends to be even less happy with. I'm having severe hip and knee issues lately, to the point that even the pressure on my knees from having my legs stretched out in front of me hurts.This also makes using a laptop interesting.

I've also written a follow up to In Outer Space, called After. The kinkmeme put the idea into my head, and I'm going to be turning it into a series, appropriately called Sex is Boring. As in this wonderful song (which is also where my tag on this journal comes from):



The series already draws from a lot of personal experience, and is quite uncomfortable to write in a lot of places. It's a pairing that I really don't like, and deals with a very personal issue. But it's also something that I think needs to be written, since the majority of asexuality fics in the Sherlock fandom sort of throw the realism and drama right out the window. These sorts of relationships are all about compromises, and let's face it: Sherlock Holmes is not the sort of man to put other people first.

I've no idea how long this series is going to get, nor do I know how it's eventually going to end. I know that a committed relationship in such a situation is possible. I've been with Ryan for 11 years. But I'm not sure how long I can see Holmes and Watson lasting in this situation. Part of me really wants to break them up. The rest of me isn't sure.


I think I'll just let it play out and see where it goes with you guys.
oxfordtweed: (Hot Dickings - Nicholas)
It's no secret that sex is not high on my list of things I like to do. It's pretty damn close to the bottom, actually, just a few spaces above doing the dishes and cleaning the cat pan. I will have sex, and there are times when I even think that I want to do it (and then I get to that point, and wonder what I was thinking, and remember that no. I don't actually like it much at all after a certain point).

And then things like this happen.

Cut for IRL sex talk )

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